There's so much on my mind and I thought I would put some of it here.

1. Roblox. I have been on there since 2013 and I can not preface how much of my childhood experience and creative experience has been because of the roblox community. There are so many "phases" and history that I feel I know because I grew up on there. Genuinely, I feel entitled to explain what the deal with roblox is whenever I hear someone ask. But thats just me, because the platform is so big, that my experience on it is just one part of it. Anyway, I've been feeling bad because most things I enjoy are changing. In the case of roblox, I hope we aren't nearing the end, but this pedo shit is unbrearable. It is completely mind boggling to me that they are taking such a terrible stances and constantly pushing their community into bad corners. The community has NEVER wanted online dating or relationships or any of that to be on the platform. I remember them being called "oders" as a way to get these people off the platform. And instead of listening, because there ARE kids on the platform, they decide, hmmmmm lets add dating and silence all the abuse on the platform. Lets ban Slepp, Ruben Sim, and, anyone who makes our platform look bad to investors, and then double down. And then, once we start losing money, we will just blanket ban hang out games instead of handling the problem well. One of my favorite games was hit in this ban, and the game even had preventative measures to stop bad behavior. i am just so annoyed

2. Self expression. This is a self sabotage situation, but I feel like I'm not able to get out there and fix how I present myself. I don't like the clothes I have right now, and I'm not sure if its the lack of time, but I straight up can't get myself to go to the store. uhh. I really wanna buy some rings. Like stackable ones. I knew they were expensive but dang. I just want some cool looking ones. They don't have to have gems, but all the nice ones are toooo expesive for me. I'm not looking for a wedding ring ;-; i just want rings

3. My Morale keeps falling. I'm actually really worried about what's happening in this country right now. These last couple of months since that guy was elected have made me feel the most disilusioned I have ever felt about the concept of "America" and me being here. When I was little I thought it was something respectful and noble or whatever. I thought the "America" was the one in that Star Spangled Banner sung by Whitney Houston. It was really empowering and nice. To think that we had conquered racism and were on the path to greatnest in the best country in the world. Its so silly thinking back. Really tricked us good. Now learning that this country really doesnt give a shit or stand for its people at all. The part that's really worrying me is, I can't see a solution to this at all. For one, I believe we can't have a real and true america unless we are all equal and once we've stopped pushing marginalized groups into boxes of steryotyping and violence. From tiny comments to the worst crimes. I'm saying not really about punishing people who say mean things, and more about properly educating people and letting them hear other's experinces. ( I am not expert on this stuff) But, I don't know if thats possible, especially with generations before mine. I grew up in a religious household. I know how I used to think about life. And it got so bad to the point that I would imagine myself in the kingdom of heaven, looking down on everyone who didnt listen to me and thinking, "you'll see then". Or even worse, feeling so bad about the bad things I had done, that I began to understand why God would kill the children of sinners. Now I am not here to say that every religious person thinks this way or that there is nothing good in religion. But I do think that 1, there is no place for religion in government policy except in helping with aid and humanitary stuff. and 2 I don't know. What I'm getting at is an interaction I had with my mom when I was little. One of the bigger topics in the church is homosexuality. I myself am straight, but I could not imagine how painful it would be to not be. My parent has scoffed at people telling parents not to kick their kids out over their sexuality. My parent bragged about the mean shit he used to post about gay people. My parent told me that I would not be able to participate in the family if they found out I was gay. When I told my parent I didn't think gay people were the devil, they told me GOd was offended by what I said. So I don't know how on earth there can be reconcilingin this country when so many people are unwilling to see differnces of sexuality as wrong. The thing is, I also have no place to argue with my parent on the subject, because the thought of yanking on their religion is also horrifying. I remember thinking once, that if undeniable proof came out that God is not real, my parents would kill themselves out of despair. And that is a terrible thought. So, yeah, I don't know. And I feel really bad.

I have to write about this before I forget it.

There was a lot happening in this dream, and I think it transformed a bit as it went. For example, there was the gym and all of the bizzare equipment there. There was also a lost item found. My mother in the dream told me it was mine, I opened it and found a bunch memorabilia that I couldn't remember existed for the life of me. But now I remember them. Like there was two easter bunnies that were rounder than the ones that exist in real life. The one in real life is called "bonerato" (pronounced in spanish) and its fluffiness is gone from being hugged a lot. Also there was a baby doll which I remembered playing "super babies" at my cousin's house when I was little.

It was just weird.

The part that left an impression was how the dream started leaving clues that all these things and people I kept encountering, were trapped there. We tried to walk around a bit, running into people were stuck in specific buildings. Two brothers were in the building next to the garden. The building had a lot of windows and they told me they couldn't leave or they would get in trouble. Apparently they had tried to awhile ago.

They had walked out to the garden with the other girl (a woman who was now supervising or something). It was when they were all still friends. But as they started walking through the flower field, they started feeling more and more depressed because memories of their past life kept popping up. They started to remember that they were trapped there. They decided they would try to escape, but as soon as they thought that, a rift appeared in the ground.

Trains came rumbling by in the rift, not allowing them to pass and also making loud noises. At that moment, they heard someone coming to take them back. I couldn't see who those people were, but it felt very authoritative with flashing lights and yelling voices. In the chaos, they were separated from the girl.

When they eventually found here again, she was different. She acted like she hadn't helped them get out to the garden. She was also now in a supervisor role which made them really warry of her.

Little did they know, that she had actually separated from them because someone had dug her out through a tunnel. They took her out past the grid. She got to see all the tunnels people from the outside had been secretly digging to get the people inside out. She also found crevices which lead to a prison. The cells were filled with poeple who had been declared "dead" or "missing". People with strong opinions or revolutionary ideas. Some of her old friends too.

She eventually decided to return and find a way to get the others out, but was quickly put in a position where they could watch her actions more. This is why she had to put on a front of a person working against the brothers now.

anyway, I think there was more. Like the buidling in the distance across a cliff. There were other people there, like the guy in charge of projectors? who had to always stay in that room with a curtain. dont matter anyway, I'm starting to forget the dream teehee.

(update im feeling a bit better rn. 7/21/25) Been feeling so weird lately. Like I'm extra bored. I think I've finally hit that point in doomscrolling where I don't want to do it anymore and just close the app. It's insane and I love it, but now I have to do things.

I want to get back in to drawing. I've been in an odd slump for too long, and I was afraid I had lost the passion. Instead of having fun, it just fills me with frustration every time I try to draw in my sketchbook. I don't know if there's a point to finding the reason why this happened. I mean I know the reason, but it doesn't help to know at all.

But, the other reason is because my attention just isn't there. I don't remember to draw, because I'm too busy with other boring things. I'm also frustrated with my own perfectionism. I'm scared that I can't make things I will like anymore. But while I was taking pictures of my old sketchbooks for the art page, I remembered that it really doesn't matter. I used to just draw whatever even if it wasn't great. And yeah, I got frustrated back then too, but I just kept drawing anyway.

Ummm.... also I started carrying a little sketchbook to work, to see if I could use it during my down time. It's been working well, I've come up with story ideas and ideas for this site too. I don't know I'm excited but I don't feel happy. The other day, was feeling like shit and I wondered what am I to do with myself.

I wonder if other people feel like they just regirgitate the same thoughts and ideas over and over again. There was a short period where I journaled every morning. When I read them back, I was so discouraged by my own thoughts. Like I already don t like myself and reading them back made me see that I also sound stupid. Not only did I sound stupid then, I was also saying the same things I'd often think now. Meaning, I probably sound stupid now too.

I am not happy. I tell myself I want to make art, but that feels so childish of me. Like you have many other things you have to do and you're worried about drawing? Like what about your relationships with your family? Literally the most important aspect in your life. And yet, I don't even do anything about that even if I'm not making art. The thing is, im distracted. But I'm scared to not be distracted. I'm scared to feel miserable more often than I already do. So, I could try being online less andn being more active and healthier and stuff. But I'm so scared of being alone with myself... A bitter, lonley, and grumpy person with a janky personalily. Why would I want to spend more time wiht that?

Had a dream the other day :0

It had a bit of that dream logic so it might be weird. But it left a bit of an impression so here we go.

Around the end of the dream, there was this guy. He was clearly tired and trying to find a place to rest. He ended up picking this public lounge area right next to a bar. Apparently the bar owned the lounge, and added it so overly drunk people could rest ouside of the bar atmosphere. Unfortunetly, it was placed in a weird spot that didn't allow the bar people to see who was there. So once in a while they would go out and check if anyone was like dying or something. They had to check it right before leaving; making sure nobody was going to stay there over the late night.

The man hadn't drunk anything, but I think he had a mental condition. It was less mental actually, more like something supernatural was invading his mind. He was seeing things, and was clearly disconnected from reality. Poeple who passed might have thought he was insane. And I guess he was. He didn't always have these episodes, but when he did, he couldn't really tell where the edges of reality were. People around his seemed blurry and glitchy.

At one point the bar owner came out to check the lounge and saw him sitting there with an odd expression. They don't normally allow non-customers to stay there, so he asked the man if was going to come in and have a drink. The man didn't respond. From man's perspective, he was seeing the bar owner approach him, disapear, then approach again with the same actions as before. Then disappear again, come back, and ask if he wanted a drink. The man felt extremely disoriented.

At this point, the bar owner assumed the guy was drunk, except from a different bar. He just decided to let the man sit around. But as the night got later and later into the morning, and the owner was getting ready to head home. He came back to check on the lounge. The man was still there, but he looked dead, eyes staring into nowhere and limp body. The bar owner freaked out and went to check on him, and he was still breathing lightly and had a pulse. I'm not sure what the bar owner did at this point, I would think calling the police would be the next option. But at some point the guy woke up and jolted. He started hyperventilating and panicking into the corner. He was swaeting and mumbling.

The bar owner wouldn't have known but the guy just had a terrifyng out of body experience. He felt like he was ripped away from his body and unable to get back to it. Watching the bar owner freak out, above himself. Was worse cuz he could feel his mind abstracting against his will. Kinda like those weird drugs that evaporate your ego, except he didn't take anything and doctors have found nothing wrong with him. Anyway, I woke up after that. Hope the dude was ok. I have to go to work >:(

I bought a mp3 player! It took me a little bit of research to figure out which one I wanted, but I landed on the hifi walker h2. You might be saying..why would u do that? we got phones. And to that I say. Yea uh... well.. uh... listen. I have reasons!

First and main reason: I don't wanna use spotify. It's not that I hated spotify or had a terrible experience on there, I actually really like spotify. It's ui is nice and streaming is convinient. I liked the ease of use and even their weekly recommendations. I've been using spotify since middle school (even their free version). Afterwards, I was getting gift card benefits from work, so I put them towards a student subscription. Since then i've been compiling playlists and listening to many many a music. However... i just feel disappointed.

I'm not the moral police or anything, but I just started to grow more and more frustrated with how they are opperating. For one, they appartenly don't pay their artists properly at all. Then there's the ai . ai ai everywhere, I think it's driving me crazy. Last year's spotify wrapped was hot garbage. You could just feel the ai seeping and coursing through it. And their stupid ai podcast and dj >:(. It felt so bad, like they just proved they gave absalutely no shits about their community. I can just imagine the creatives behind the scene who's ideas were replaced by this mediocre slop. It just feels disheartening. At some point, I had to ask myself, do I really have to stick around for this? I don't really wanna...

Last reason is the same reason I am not very active on social media. Lack of control and too much algorithms I guess.

Anyway. I started looking for options. I found a couple things. First and most attractive was getting into cd burning. Honestly, that's gonna have to wait. I don't have any of the resources to do that. I could try a few thrift stores to find a cd player. But I think I just don't have the space or time or whatever to build that hobby right now. I will plan for it though, the idea is really exciting and nastolgic. The other was mp3 players. I had completely forgotten they existed. I think my mom had one when I was little, but most of the music we listened to when I was little were instruments or on cds. My first thought was definetly an ipod, but I know nothing about modding and upgrading, and since technology often frustrates me, i think that would be too much of a project for me. So, I looked for other ones with a checklist. It would require decent battery life, drag and dropping files, sd card, bluetooth, and the ability to make or import playlists. There was one other good one I could have gotten: Snowsky Echo. That one had a really cute design.

I ended up picking hifi. So far i'm really liking it. It's a nice size and the music quality is really nice. Even the bluetooth hasn't given me any problems. Feeling kinda nice about this. My next step is music recommendations. That won't be difficult though, I can even look here on the indie web for that :D.